All about FUNNY QUOTES - 2

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen 

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra 

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield 

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger 

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz 

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge 

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler 

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley 

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield 

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright 

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers 

I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen 

I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison 

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield 

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney 

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields 

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers 

I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra 


I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller 

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
Jay London 

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx 

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde 

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns 

I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman 

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Ellen DeGeneres 

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West 

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth 

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson 

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Norman Wisdom 

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips 

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips 

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Rod Schmidt 

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg 

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
Paul Lynde 

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell 

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Howard Nemerov 

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Bette Davis 

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
Mercedes McCambridge 


I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg 

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James Brown 

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers 

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Hillary Clinton 

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler 

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers 

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks 

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin 

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen 

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin 

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter 

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin 

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner 

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London 

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry 

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
Johnny Vegas 

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken 

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce 

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger 

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan 

Posted in: funny quotes,Quotes