My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
Angie Dickinson
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Margaret Smith
Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke
Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
One man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Ronald Reagan
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Joe Rogan
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Kevin James
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Dennis Miller
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
Alanis Morissette
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
W. Clement Stone
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
David Brenner
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
You're only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz
Thursday, July 7, 2011
All about FUNNY QUOTES - 3
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