All about FUNNY QUOTES - 1

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx 

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck 

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw 

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope 

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
Kevin Nealon 

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra 

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner 

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld 

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby 

All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover 

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel 

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby 

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr 

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx 

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett 

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman 

Be obscure clearly.
E. B. White 

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke 

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey 


Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West 

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis 

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain 

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen 

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke 

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright 

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Hesiod 

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno 

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley 

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin 

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jerry Lewis 

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke 

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle 

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo 

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby 

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz 

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite 

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain 

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain 

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz 


Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns 

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant 

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor 

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller 

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips 

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin 

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen 

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Stephen King 

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright 

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett 

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman 

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields 

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos 

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis 

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone 

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred Allen 

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry 

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn 

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg 

Posted in: funny quotes,Quotes